The mutually negotiated sexual landscape between two intimate partners is not a static environment, but a dynamic one. Sometimes that landscape looks and feels like a beautiful walk through a mountain meadow. And sometimes it’s a a virtual reality thrill ride. And everything in between.
All too often, couples sex lives are not all they could be because time and space are not created to explore it. It’s taken as a given. But I see each partner’s sexuality, and thus the sexual universe created by their unique relationship, as a beautiful realm that positively begs discovery.
When you’re pushing the envelope of mutual sexual exploration, you will come to wonderful places together that work for both of you. And you may come to places that won’t. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep exploring; it doesn’t mean that the sex will hit a dead end. The erotic world is vast. And most people’s erotic worlds are indeed far vaster than they even know. If you both stay open and dare to keep digging and exploring together, you may just find plenty of beautiful, fun, hot, sexy places to meet.
Figuring out what really turns you on, finding new places that drive you wild, and places you won’t go, is a process. It’s mutually negotiated. It’s not an ultimatum based dynamic. The very act of discussing and sharing and figuring it out builds intimacy and trust and excitement. No matter where it ends up. And if there are things that make either one uncomfortable, then you move away from that and go somewhere else with it. It’s a process. Again, it’s not static, but very dynamic.
There are few discussions I would rather have with my lover than one where you share sexual fantasies, open up about deep desires, and just explore your own and each other’s sexuality. Just like anything else, the deeper you dig, the more you are going to find. And sometimes what you find scares you. Or your partner.
Fine. Bring it on. What would you rather talk about? The weather? The economy? Not me. Give me a juicy discussion about what you want to do to me, what I want to do to you, and how we can make that happen, any day of the week and twice on Saturdays and Sundays.
Such discussions, however, require that each partner has a certain degree of self knowledge. Not everyone has done the work to know themselves like that. And even if you are in touch with your own hearts’s sexual desires, you also have to be able to risk sharing that. Again, most people have big trouble with that.
I’m not saying it’s easy to get to that place. But I assure you, it’s worth it. It is so worth it. Self knowledge, and being able to risk exposing yourself, are in fact the building blocks of true sexual intimacy.
Just like our hearts, I believe our sexuality is a treasure of riches that you usually have to dig for to get to. Life has thrown so much dirt and shit on our sexual desires, on sex itself, telling us what is right, what is wrong, what is “normal” and what isn’t, that we develop crippling inhibitions that block us from getting to that which truly makes our blood boil.
Sometimes we get to a place where we discover something we like, or love, and tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us for liking it. So we don’t allow ourselves to like it too much, lest we believe we’re fucked up. That’s very real, and I’ve been there. But now I know that line of thinking is bullshit. If whatever you like or love is completely consensual by both parties, and does not harm another living soul, then there’s nothing wrong with it. And there’s nothing wrong with you for liking it.
Human sexuality is unfortunately a poorly understood, indescribably vast universe that is still grossly under-explored by most. Our sex lives would serve us better if they were more like the rest of our lives – an adventure. Intimate relationships are the most beautiful arenas, and the most fertile grounds, for self exploration that we have. Can you think of anything more charged than sex? The word itself, and certainly the act, are literally a fucking bastion of electricity. It’s a world on fire. It’s made to be plugged into. It’s designed to set us ablaze. So plug into it. Feel the heat. Ride the lightning.
Many prefer the darkness. It’s easier to hide there. It’s safer there. And I have a lot of empathy and understanding for that sentiment. But my life, across the board, is all about coming out of the darkness and into the light. I’m talking metaphorically here, not whether you use a 10 watt bulb or a 100 watt bulb. But sexuality proves to be a wonderful metaphor. Sex is electric, and that electricity begs us to use it to shed light. To illuminate. To enlighten. And to burn hot and bright.
I’ll put my money where my mouth is and share something very personal. And relevant to this discussion. I have never been a fan of having sex in complete darkness. I like a little mood lighting, like the soft glow from a candle or a colored bulb. But when I’m co-creating sexual intimacy with my lover, I rarely close my eyes. Even when I kiss. And that’s not because I’m not into it. I don’t need to close my eyes to be into kissing, or fucking. I’m into it. Period. It is s giant turn on to look at my partner when we’re kissing; I love to see what she looks like. It’s even better when we look into each other’s eyes when we kiss. And the creme de la creme is to look onto each other’s eyes whilst making love. That’s magic, baby. That is in fact nerve rattling intimacy. And intimacy can be incredibly scary. But so are roller coasters.
I have come to value intimacy in all of my special relationships as a sacred thing. It’s vital to me. For those closest to me, from my best friends to my lover, it becomes the air I breathe. And with each person, that intimacy looks and feels different. And sometimes it scares the crap out of me. But it’s worth the risks.
©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and an Intimate and Naughty Amount of Wrongs) Reserved.